Wednesday, January 06, 2010


I don't have a lot to share so far this week. I haven't even taken any pictures this week. It's been a busy few days of getting some things done. The things that have been avoided and pushed aside. They're done now. Thank goodness.

So, in light of having nothing to share about our week, I am going to share something from my week. It might not be of interest to many, but I want to write (er, type) it out. Sometimes it just helps. Isn't that what a blog is, essentially? A journal. Well, consider this my first personal journal-like blog entry and proceed if you wish.

**I would just like to say that this post is not directed at anyone specifically, so please do not feel like it is. These things are things that I have been thinking about a lot the past few months, and even more this past week. It is not my intention to upset anyone who reads this. I actually struggled with whether or not to even post this.

I am very prideful and very stubborn. I don't like to back down. I like to be right. I can be very outspoken. Sometimes when I am stressed out, or feel judged or pressured (ie- someone pushes my buttons), I get in a "mood". You know, defensive, argumentative, harsh, not so nice and so on.

There. I said it. I don't like admitting those things about myself. It's not easy.

This week I have spoken with multiple people close to me about the very things I mentioned imperfections. I am very aware of how difficult I can be sometimes. Often, I don't even realize that I am acting that way until it's been going on for a couple of minutes. That's when I get defensive and things usually take a turn for the worst. There are so many "fights" that can be avoided. It's not just my fault. It's not just someone else's fault. It happens. We are human. We are not perfect. I am not perfect.

Perfection. That is a word I don't like. So often I am accused of thinking that I am perfect. Even when I try and say that I know I am not perfect I still get accused of thinking I am. I am stubborn. I will not disagree with that. Is that where people get the misconception that I think I am perfect? It is my unwillingness to back down? Maybe. I don't know.

Communication doesn't seem to be my forte. I seem to fail, routinely. I am working to change that. I need the people close to me to work with me on that though. I need them to see past who I have been in the past when upset or irritated and see that I am capable of handling situations differently. I want to. I am trying.

Bottom Line: I am working on these things. I have been. It is hard. Really hard. I think before I say things way more often than I did even a month ago. I try and resist raising my voice when I am frustrated, which is something so many of us do. In that resisting, my tone changes and I am working on that too. I am striving to be a better person. A person who is not so difficult at times.

All I ask is that those closest to me, the ones who see this side of me, would give me the benefit of the doubt. Give me a chance. So often when an argument erupts, the past is drawn in right away. Because I did or reacted a certain way in the past means I will do it now. I am tired of being judged for things I have done or said in the past. I do the same thing to people, I know I do, trust me. I'd like to change that also.

This week's sermon is really what has gotten me thinking about all of this so much. In small group yesterday we actually spent almost an hour talking about the word perfect and how many view Christianity as being about perfection and following rules (God's laws). That is exactly what someone at work wrote about in our "box log" (employee journal we keep) in fact. Not accepting Christ because doing so would mean living in fear of sinning, being punished by God and going to Hell. He and I spoke, briefly, about it. He is not open to learning about grace and forgiveness right now, which is ok. On Sunday, Danny (our pastor) said, "the law exposes the need in our lives for a savior" (referencing Romans 3:20). Simply put, we are all sinners and we are not perfect. We are forgiven by God's grace through our faith in Jesus Christ.

I know I am not perfect. I never will be. I am striving to be a better daughter, sister, friend, mother and "spouse". It will take time. Please be patient with me. I am excited to be working on changing these things. I see some progress already, even if I am the only one who sees it.

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